Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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