i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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