Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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