Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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