I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
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I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
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I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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