Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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