SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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