Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
