when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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