you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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