Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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