Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
