We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
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We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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