hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
