Got a toothbrush?
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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