On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
