she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
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Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
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he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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