I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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