exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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