My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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