This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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