Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
