Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
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