We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
