mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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