I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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