I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It was confusing and full of hummus
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He's a Shit stain on my heart
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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