turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
