the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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