Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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