I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
