I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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