you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
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Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
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Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.