I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
