defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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