census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
