I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
