Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
