i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
