people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
