It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
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We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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