alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why can't burritos get me drunk
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
