Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
