It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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