if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
