i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
