I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
