I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
