Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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