mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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