I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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