I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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