Do you still have your period?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
