im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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