I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
